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Get to know the person you're attracted to; receive pleasure (physical and emotional) from spending time with them; see how compatible you are; hopefully, if all things are good, proceed to establishing a life partnership with them. What's the longest you dated someone before.
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So for this paper, the scientists used anonymised data from an unnamed dating site for nearly , users across four US cities — New York, Boston, Chicago and Seattle — for a month. Rather than gauge individual attractiveness or desirability themselves, the scientists relied on the site users to do the rankings: Users were ranked as more desirable depending on how many first messages they received, and depending on how desirable the senders themselves were.

Aspirational message-sending does sometimes yield results in online dating. Then, to make their calculations, they essentially placed all the users on a scale of zero to one.

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The least desirable man and woman in each city had a score of zero and the most desirable man and woman had a score of one, with everyone else's score in between. The scientists found that men and women sent initial messages to potential partners who were more desirable than them — men went 26 per cent higher on average, while the women aimed 23 per cent higher.

Did these users simply think they were more desirable than they were?

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Or did they know that they were seeking out relatively more attractive mates? To find out, the scientists analysed the messages they sent, picking up clear patterns. Women consistently sent more positively worded messages to men when the "desirability gap" was greater, the scientists said — a sign that they were putting in more effort for a more desirable man. The research suggests that both men and women sent initial messages to potential partners who were more desirable than them.

Men, however, did the opposite: They sent less positively worded messages to more desirable women. Strangely, the men's strategy seemed to work. In all four cities, men had slightly lower reply rates from women when they wrote more positively worded messages.

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Bruch said one of her graduate students is developing an explanation for why this strategy seems to work. Another common tactic men and women employed was to send desirable prospects longer messages, but it didn't seem to result in a higher response rate, she said. So is everyone doomed to seek mates who are unreachably "out of their league"? As it turns out, aspirational message-sending does work — not all the time, and less often when the desirability gap is bigger. For men seeking more desirable women, the response rate went as high as 21 per cent — high enough that the effort may be worth it, the scientists said.

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